Over the past month, it has felt like an enormous boulder has been resting upon my shoulder, a weight too unbearable to carry. Yet over the past week, something has happened. I'm not talking about a dramatic event, or a lightning bolt from the sky, but rather a growing realisation that quite frankly, I'd got it wrong. That is, my approach with regards to thoughts about my future. You may or may not know, that I've been in the process of making what feels like big decisions. Questions such as - what should I be doing? Should I go back to England? Should I stay in Greece? What if I don't do what I should do? What if I miss what it is that I should be doing? have flooded my mind these past weeks.
I believe it's important to ask questions and to seek advice from close friends and family when faced with big decisions in life. However, if your anything like me, agonizing over every single decision you have to make only leads to one thing - anxiety. And so it is, that the last month has been a time filled with anxiety and thus a time dominated by tiredness and little in the way of productivity. It has affected my work, my ministry and more importantly my relationship with God (on my part that is).
Thankfully, something changed. Last night, I met up with a group of friends for dinner. As I made my way to the restaurant, I couldn't help but notice things that I'd somehow had missed on other occasions. Flowers hanging from balconies seemed to shine in the evening sun. I then realised that my fear and anxiety in decision making, had so dominated my thinking that it had come to control my thinking, and therefore rob me of many of the simple pleasures of the here and now. Let me try to explain.
What dominates your thinking will ultimately end up consuming your time, energy and resources. I allowed my questions over the future to so dominate my mind, that it was consuming all my time as I researched potential jobs and opportunities, my energy as I was unable to get needed rest at night, and my resources as I put more effort into finding out what I should be doing, rather than putting effort into what I'm currently doing. Over time, my thoughts not only consumed my mind but began to control it, turning my anxiety over decision making into the very centre of my universe.
As you can probably see this isn't healthy. More importantly, it isn't Biblical. I think in the past I have viewed God's will for my life as a series of doors. Perhaps before me are a number of options for what to do next, and so begins the agonizing. I can't see what's behind the door so I start to question, what if door number one isn't what God wants me to do? What if I go through door number three when God really wanted me to go through door number two? Help!!! But when you think about it, what is God more concerned about when it comes to our lives?
Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children. And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.
Ephesians 5:1-3
Do all things without grumbling or questioning, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world.
Philippians 2:14-15
As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct...
1 Peter 1:14-15
The above are only three verses that speak of what it means to be a child of God in the world today. It's very practical! The calling of the children of God is clear. God has revealed in His word what I should do with my life. What is more important to Him is that:
- I am an imitator of God.
- I walk in love.
- I do all things without grumbling or questioning.
- I am not conformed to the passions of my former ignorance.
- I am holy as he is holy.
In short, my holiness is of far greater importance to God than whether I go back to England or stay in Greece. How I am growing in holiness is of far greater importance to God than what job I do. I'm not saying we shouldn't carefully consider where we live and what we do, but these should not become so pressing that they dominate our mind and therefore lead us to a place of anxiety and unrest.
As I began to dominate my mind with the Bible. As I allowed my mind to filled with thoughts of God, what he has done for me in Christ, how much he loves me and is with me every second of every day by his Holy Spirit. I can't describe the peace that has therein quietened my restless heart. No longer were my thoughts consumed with my decisions, but they were consumed with God. And so as he gradually consumed my mind over the past seven days, so he has taken control and the weight of my anxiety has lifted.
I now know that whether I choose door number one, two or three, it really doesn't matter because what really counts is how I am living for him in this present moment. Unless God appears in a dream, or makes it very clear that it's door number two, I am free to choose. All are equally good doors, and I can step through either with confidence that the One who does know the future is with me every step of the journey ahead. I'm even inclined to say that there probably is really only one door, although this side of eternity, it will never truly feel like that.
If you are currently facing difficult decisions and perhaps like me experience moments of anxiety when it all becomes too much, I'd very much recommend a talk by Phillip Jensen - click here.
Let us keep looking to the one who came to give us rest - Jesus who said:
Come to me, all who labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Matthew 11:28
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